By Murmock
Kyle arrives home late, stops for newspaper, but is whacked and kidnapped. Moments later, he feels a pinch in the neck.
He envisions a hazy dream: footsteps, gun, children in terror. But he’s woken from it, pushed into a room of crying children, and hears a door slam behind him. Kyle doesn’t know where the gun in his palm came from. Feeling…out of place. He’s kidnapped, yet, again.
Fortunately Kyle wakes up on his front lawn, uncovering his own face, picking up the newspaper, shaky, and looks up at someone speeding away.
Coincidentally, the newspaper headline ‘Why Commit the Unthinkable?’
Your “framed for a horrific murder of children” idea might work better by providing a brief hint why Kyle’s being set up, so we care what happens. So, you probably need to eliminate unnecessary adverbs (“Fortunately,” “Coincidentally”) and phrases (“arrives home late”,”kidnapped yet again”??) to let your story show up & speak for itself. In the title–are you meaning abducted, not rejected? I think you have a great story hiding, so polish it up. Keep writing!
I agree with Neil’s comments. The story is somewhat confusing, and probably needs to be longer and given more development. Your writing shows promise (or your story wouldn’t be in 101words.org!), so I echo the request that you KEEP WRITING!
While I do agree there is a good story in there – if you have to explain your story, it just didn’t land. 🙁 This seems like it wants to be a longer story. Try it out!
Ok. Thank you very much. Really appreciate it. Keep writing? Ok. That, I can do. Thank you. And as for killing the averbs and letting readers care more for Kyle in showing why he’s being kidnapped, I could see the improvent in this. Definitely. And the tile, a rejected witness, meant that Kyle was rejected when he was tested by this deadly serum that sort of brings the killer out of a person. Remember the pinch in the neck? That was the serum and remember the hazy dream? That was what the serum made him see himself doing while chemically inducing him with the kind of things that, brings the killer out of a person. But remember when he wakes out of it, into the room with children crying? They wanted to see if he was turned basically. As if they wanted to see if he turned vampire or not. But he didnt. He was lost instead. He didn’t have it in him. Or, well, at least not at the moment. Well, lol, that’s the mystery in the story. But, since they didn’t see him react the way they wanted him to, they rejected him and Kyle saw a few of their faces, somewhat of a second or two. Which now makes him a rejected witness. Although he still has that chemical they induced into him running through his veins….