By Lisa M. Scuderi-Burkimsher
John’s friends dared him to enter the abandoned house. Inside, cobwebs hung on the ceilings, the smell of mold churned his stomach, and the creaking floor gave him chills. Still, he continued.
He ventured upstairs, and into a bedroom, then opened one of the dresser drawers. Inside was an antique pocket watch, exceptional condition. Probably worth a fortune. He stuffed it in his pocket and went outside.
Jack snickered. “Hey, did you find any ghosts?”
“No, it’s just an old house. I went in, so let’s get out of here and do something fun.”
John patted his pants pocket and smiled.
Great story!
Good story..liked it!!
Great last line!
A “told” story lacking personality or any real atmosphere. If it had consisted of John went into the spooky house and came back out with a pricey watch, it would have had the same impact. How did he know the watch was there? SHOW. Have him freak out at the touch of a cobweb, the sound of the boards. Explain why he would heave at the odour of mold. I know it’s hard to condense in 101 words, which is why it’s best to have everything revolve around the immediate senses of the mc.
“John’s friends dared him to enter the abandoned house. Inside, cobwebs hung on the ceilings, the smell of mold churned his stomach, and the creaking floor gave him chills. Still, he continued.”
Something like
“Yaeeeargh!” John batted away thick cobwebs and grimaced at the stench. He’d been warned some mold spores were poisonous.
“Who’s there?”
Loose floorboard.
Only the challenge of the dare carried him upstairs.
The authors of the dare become evident when he gets outside. Same word count – more atmosphere and information – nothing missed.