By Jeffrey A. Paolano
Across the party Wendell captivatingly observes Lynette’s dainty movements, lyrical voice, tinkling laugh, and well-formed hands.
Lynette is emotionally entwined with Tom: a couple. Any flirtation targeting Lynette might be unappreciated by Tom, and the result may raise a kerfuffle, most inappropriate for this social setting.
Wendell, in good conscience, should abandon any thought of Lynette’s approachability.
Suddenly there appears to be a discordant note. The couple appears disjointed: in disarray.
Wendell is delighted by the fortuitous turn.
“You’ve a beautiful ring,” tenders Wendell.
“Why thank you. My grandmother’s,” amenably counters Lynette.
Thus encouraged Wendell strikes, “The color complements your eyes.”
Ah, yes; a great example of the old “Move in and take over” maneuver. Liked it a lot.
You are a good writer. Enjoy your writings, including this one.
I like the voyeuristic, detached tone here. Enjoyment in the delicate balances of human courtship behaviour.
The attempt at “period” narrative is unfortunate, which mars a nice little vignette. “Across the party…” for instance suggests a political theme. > From across the roomsocial or romantic< arrangement or standing is different.
Nor can Wendell captivatingly observe – unless his being engrossed with Lynette's panache is singularly attractive to someone watching him. Lynette is the one who captivatingly floats through the crowd.
I understand the desire to give the piece a Victorian or Edwardian atmosphere, but this is never helped by not pinning down the correct vocabulary.
The idea is excellent though.
If the first paragraph makes little sense it is because half my comment was lost in upload.and the sentences jammed together. Vital points erased are that Wendell cannot presume to know their shared emotions until the discord and that “emotionally entwined” is a dubious implication. He CAN know their social or romantic standing or arrangement and ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED would be a better description.
Huh. You may of course be right but I assumed ‘captivatingly’ was deliberate. Because his purpose is capture. Bit-of-a-pun. Eye of the beholder, I guess.