By Jake TS Wryte
[Trigger Warning]
He came to visit her at night. It felt like a dream, but…he was real. Daddy was real. And she had nowhere to run.
She shivered beneath the covers. Tears leaked from her eyes.
Soon, he would come.
Wooden floorboards creaked as he approached. The door squeaked on its hinges, a terrible frightening cry like the ones she had to bite back with all her might.
The bed sagged under his weight.
“Daddy can’t hurt you anymore,” Mommy promised fiercely, hugging her tightly until they both stopped shaking. “He’s gone,” she said, pressing her daughter’s tear-stained face to her heart.
Beautiful written …
Great depiction of terror.
Absolutely terrifying! Well done.
The girl’s terror is well described. My suggestion is not to use the pronoun “he” in this sentence” . . . floorboards creaked as he approached” and “his” in this sentence “. . . sagged under his weight.” Although the girl thinks the person is her father, it is her mother. I think this deceives the reader too much into expecting the father. There doesn’t need to be such a sharp twist. I suggest rewording these sentences and have the girl hear the floorboards creak. ” The girl heard the floorboards creak.” and “The bed sagged under a heavy weight.” This adds an extra word, but you can eliminate “fiercely” later on. By not using any identifying pronoun, the interpretation is open to the reader who will, most likely, assume it is the father, but the twist is still there, just not so forced.
I agree! A minor tweak for this powerful/painful story that will make it even better.
Beautiful writing! I loved it! Told in truth.
Such a beautifully written piece Jake. This is a picture painted in fear that invokes both sadness and welcomed relief at the end.
This was so well-written. You did an excellent job conveying the dread. Very harrowing! I do not always like stories with happy endings, but I was so glad this one did… or at least, as happy as it could be.