By Mitch Weil
James had never feared his breath before, but listening to the wheeze that escaped his lips as he cowered beneath his bed terrified him. The bedroom door creaked open, and the booted feet that had pounded so ominously up the stairs treaded quietly on the carpeting. The change in volume seemed an attempt to break the promise of violence, but with each step toward his bed, James squeezed his lungs tighter. His breath felt locked inside, and as the burning in his chest intensified, James knew it was only a matter of time before one traitorous puff would give everything away.
Npt the monster under the bed but the monster approaching it. It gets our imaginations working. Well done!
Very evocative. Well designed. Nicely done.
Terrifying!
Nice build-up of tension. Should be trod rather than treaded though… Lovely otherwise 🙂
This is a very good narrative
Hello Mitch,
Having just completed a Critique Circle “Hook” weekend reviewing openings lines, and am attuned to fabulous openers; your submission to FF hits all the right bells and whistles!!
The opening line calls upon the readers to move along instantly.
You provided so much tension, fear and expectation in just 101 words. Excellently done.