“Haven’t you seen this before?”
Helen recalled her husband’s ploy for control of the television remote. She never could fathom his love of trashy reality shows.
She looked over at the empty recliner. The floor next to his favorite chair needed to be swept. That man never did learn to wipe his feet. Helen considered grabbing the broom to go after the flakes of mud, but she didn’t have the energy.
When the neighbors arrived to drive her to the cemetery, she was still clicking through the channels. She pulled the black veil over her head, and tossed the remote aside.
Well put together!
Opportunities for more evocative words.
Delete ‘could’ and change ‘fathom’ to fathomed.
Delete ‘over’
Change ‘next to’ to ‘around’
Change ‘needs to be swept’ to ‘needs sweeping’
Change ‘That man’ to a real name.
Change ‘never did learn’ to ‘never learned’
Delete ‘she didn’t have the energy’. Consider inserting a more poignant reason.
Save the twist for the very end:
SUGGESTION: When the neighbors arrived, she continued clicking through the channels in rapid fire frustration.
“Time to go,” they said.
She pulled a black veil over her head and tossed the remote aside.
Marc, you’ve got some interesting ideas. I know that 101 words is looking for volunteer editors.
“That man” is a thing we often say in the south.
“didn’t have the energy” is a reflection of my own grief journey, and this short work is one that came out of my own recent loss.
Thanks for taking so much time with my work.
Karen (the author)
I’m sorry for your loss
I saw the request for editors today and submitted my application.
In flash, I enjoy finding an economy of words that drill straight from a story’s beginning to end.
Am also in the south.
Regards,
Marc
Karen, this was beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for reading, and your kindness.