By Lisa M. Scuderi-Burkimsher
Claudia watched as Chippie the elephant lifted his front legs and stomped them on the ground, swinging his trunk. The trainer whipped Chippie’s side, and the elephant squealed in pain, plopping to the ground. The trainer whipped Chippie again until he stood. Claudia, infuriated, went straight to the manager.
“Chippie is coming with me to the elephant sanctuary.” Claudia had the legal document to back up her statement.
“Fine. I’ll just get another Chippie.” He smirked.
“Read the fine print, Mr. Smith. Your abuse of elephants is over.”
Claudia succeeded in saving Chippie, but there would always be another abused elephant.
Believe me I am all for saving elephants and other animals. I make ongoing monthly contributions to both PETA and the ASPCA. But what you’ve written is not a story and it does not belong here.
I think you have heart and I love that you want to raise animal abuse awareness through creative writing. That is difficult to do in 101 words without a great deal of crafting. I was a bit disappointed with your story, to be honest, and felt that there was no true arc to it. I just think you needed more words that what was available to you. Keep trying, though. People need to have their hearts opened.
This story started out well. The last two sentences seem contradictory. Maybe if it said, “Your abuse of Chippie is over” it would have worked better.