By Hazel Turner
Your key turns in the lock. Making your way across the room, you start, surprised.
I watch you admiring my make-over as I pass you your whiskey and soda, soothing you with well-oiled words. I run my fingers through your hair. You’re unwinding, your body easing into the chair. I leave you, returning with your drink refreshed. One thing leads to another; you can’t resist me.
She arrives responding to the text sent from your phone. I reach across triumphantly smiling, holding aloft her unwanted gift, her sculpture.
She grabs it, bringing it down with all her might. My smile; darkness.
Hazel, I’m already married; forty years and counting, so I’m not your target, but I’ll share a drink with you.
Terrific story!
Thank you so much. I do like to put a twist in the tale. Cheers Glenn
Hi Hazel,
I like the way you set up the atmosphere in the beginning and then slowly start to turn it. The ‘makeover’ makes me suspicious. Then at the line ‘you can’t resist me’ you just know that something bad is going to happen.
One little thing that I picked up is that when you write ‘you start’ and ‘surprised’ you are essentially repeating yourself. The verb starting entails the element of surprise, so I feel that you don’t need to add it again. But that’s just my view.
I like the sting in the tail; nothing like a good revenge story.
Thanks Constance. Very valuable and much appreciated feedback. You are spot on, I’ll take this on board for future flashes-no words should be wasted.