By Harry Neil
It’s a stunning five-piece drum set lined up by the roadside for sale.
He’s a young construction worker, maybe twenty. He stares grimly ahead, like a soldier bravely facing enemy fire. My heart bleeds for him.
She is very pregnant. She lounges under a parasol reading a paperback novel. I’m guessing it’s the sort of tawdry romance that teaches girls that they should expect men to pamper them all their lives. I don’t like her.
I slip quietly away; I don’t want to be here to see how this plays out.
He’s selling his drums today. He’s giving his dreams away.
Powerful. In a few words you described their life.
Yes, ‘got herself’ pregnant, did she? All alone, the only one making foolish/ risky decisions?
Takes two to tango, Harry, maybe your young drummer should have used protection?
Oh, I totally, totally agree. The piece deliberately leaves more judgement up to the reader. Glad you took the opportunity.
It’s just a poignant situation.
Actually, let me clarify my previous reply. I dislike her not because she’s pregnant, but because she doesn’t seem to care about his anguish. He’s accepting the painful consequences of his mistake, that he’ll be just a construction worker all his life. She’s a shallow person who cares only for her own comforts. I’m not being sexist; the fact that she’s a woman is an accident of this particular plotline.
I can see both sides of the argument. He could have kept the drums and told her to find another way. We all make mistakes but we all have choices. However I despise the fact that women are still brought up to dream of white wedding dresses and Knights in shining armour. Yet I know some men who are married and never buy their own underpants!!!
Life as it is!!! The poignancy of it, well captured!
I loved the line “he’s giving his dreams away”, but we all find ourselves doing that time and time again, don’t we, when the desert road proves we cannot haul a piano to California in the wagon train
Two young’uns hit hard with reality for the first time. It won’t play out with perfection. Our expectations create our judgements. Our faith in their circumstances carrying them into adulthood comes from our own experiences. They aren’t the first at this and they won’t be the last. Great story!
Well done. I like how the narrator’s thoughts reveal both the young man and woman and the narrator’s attitudes toward them.
A cool technique that does double duty.
And you used it well. Sometimes it’s hard as a reader to recall the narrator is not the author.
In this case, that’s good. We wonder why the narrator doesn’t like her, and their antagonism shows.
Excellent,
Incredible! I did a quick analysis of this on my personal writing workshop blog to point out what it’s done well so others can learn from it. Excellent, Harry!
https://thewriteedgewritingworkshop.wordpress.com/2024/10/28/workshopping-the-story-october-28-2024/