By Lenae Winslo
After spilling his seed in a drunken whore, I was done.
For five years, my bruised ego and battered body had taken their toll—anorexia, depression, and self-loathing were my daily companions. Covertly, I planned my escape, communicating in code with family and friends who were helping. Subservience was my shield, smiling and sexy to avoid suspicion.
One weekend, he left me alone with the kids but no car. I called my cousin, “It’s time.” He brought the moving van.
From victim to victor, I finally left him, his tight fists now empty hands, the children my tiny sparks of hope.
The first line didn’t work for me. Confusing. Had to read the whole story and go back to it. Should have said, “After he spilled …” But the rest of the story was great.
Hi Dan, I just read your comment. Please allow me to respectfully disagree. That first sentence has such a punch that it physically
jolted me. I got it, big time. Not to get too graphic, but with the
word “spilling” I could vividly picture the scene, and I was revolted
in a good way. For me, “After he spilled…” would ruin the cadence of that sentence and flatten the impact it has now.
Other stories have confused me where everyone else gets it. Writers will never know for sure how a reader will react or interpret.
I agree. Sometimes you know, in your heart which words will bring the response you are shooting for.
This is a good story. I see and feel the scenes as I read, and I am especially impressed by the last line.
I agree with Dan’s comment on the first line. It is grammatically confusing because it initially suggests that the speaker is the one doing the “spilling”.
The pronoun “I” points immediately back to the action of “spilling”.
Even though some readers may catch the intended meaning quickly, grammatical conventions make it incorrect and will force some readers to reread. Using the words “had spilt” may help:
“After he had spilt his seed in a drunken whore, I was done.”
It still carries the impact without affecting cadence too much.
This use of past perfect tense and the pronoun ‘he’, differentiates the “spiller” from the speaker in the action of “spilling seed” and in the timing of “spilling seed”.
No, dude, it is perfect just as it is.
Reader’s interpretation of stories vary. I have written stories and poetry since 1970, and I find many readers have a different interpretation which doesn’t necessarily agree with my thoughts when I wrote them. Often, I don’t get the point of some of the flash fiction that is chosen for publication.
Dan and Carrie are correct; it’s not a matter of interpretation, but one of grammar. “After spilling…” is called a “dangling participle” and must be dealt with by specifying the subject, e.g., “After he spilled his seed,…”
As you may infer, I, too, was confused.
I absolutely agree with Dan and Carrie that the grammar is incorrect!
However, I still feel strongly that, in some cases, rules are meant to be
broken even if it’s incorrect. So it becomes a right/wrong debate.
I still love the first sentence regardless.
Love the image–“his tight fists now empty hands”. Concisely captures the power shift.
Love it Lenae! Love the phases “subservience was my shield” and “victim to victor”… very powerful, well done!