By Marc Watson
He hurriedly approached the old man on the porch of the decrepit shack, and his eyes met those of the elderly nuisance.
“You’re still here,” he said, pointedly. “I thought I had made the situation clear. This place is going down, with or without you in it.”
The elder’s eyes gleamed at the upstart. “You don’t hear ‘no’ often, do you?”
“Never.”
“Well, I’m glad I taught you something new.”
Annoyed, the man rounded the corner and indicated the bulldozers to continue. His drivers were oblivious, and no one else knew the old man was here. Progress waits for no one.
“Annoyed” seemed somewhat inadequate for a man who was to become a murderer.
Also, the last sentence came across as forced.
Who’s to say he wasn’t already a murderer?
I agree about the last sentence to an extant. It’s difficult trying to convey what’s really going on, as well as the individual motivations. I promise, if you were in my head it would all make sense! But I suppose that’s not the point, is it.
Thank you for the feedback, Jazz.
Marc – one of the guidelines of effective writing, especially flash and micro-flash is “Show, don’t tell.” Words such as “hurriedly” “pointedly” and “annoyed” fall into the “telling” trap.
Thank you, Jeff. And for a fully flushed-out story I’d agree, though I do love lots of words no matter what I write! For me personally, with flash-fiction, I’ve always appreciated a sprinkling of almost superfluous adjectives for scene fiction like this. It’s pulp, so I write it like pulp.
I do really appreciate the feedback, though. I’ll keep at it to tighten it. Cheers!
I agree to a point on “show, don’t tell,” however in a short short story of 101 words sometimes it’s better to drop in an adjective or adverb because you don’t have a great deal of space to show as much as you want. My way of dealing with this when writing a short short is: If at all possible, show rather than tell; if one doesn’t have the wordage to show, then go ahead and drop in a “tell” word or two. I think your story is quite “visual”, Mark, and I liked it.
I appreciate the feedback, Bobby. I believe you and I are of the same mind on this. Just a dash of color to help covey the message. If I was writing a super-serious piece, I’d leave the ‘ad’s out.
Or I’d just FILL it! Hmm… Not a bad idea. More adverbs! More adjectives! To the thesauruses!
Cheers and thank you, Bobby. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
You have a handle on what you want to convey so keep going. Adopt advice only if it doen’t compromise your intent or your style.
Thank you b. I’m glad you see what I see. Thank you for reading.
It’s not murder, Mark. It’s called “eminent domain.”
It’s totally Eminent Domain, Jerry 😉
Thank you for reading!
I love it! more, more! thanks for sharing your work and this site!
No problem, Nadia! Spread the word(s)!
Thank you as always for your support.
good story. it might be the first house bulldozed with the occupant—or it might not!! ‘Never’ hearing ‘no’ can just mean the bulldozers always win, regardless.
I’m glad you liked it, SueAnn. Your interpretation is incredibly apt. Thank you for reading.