Smoke, crushed metal, and screams. Objects and bodies strewn on the railway tracks. I’m bleeding and unable to move. My consciousness has a gaping hole through which memories surge in.
Twenty years ago when living in the Mumbai slums close to the railway tracks, a deafening crash had ruptured my sleep. That night Father had come home with the shiny promise of gold jewelry hiding within his clothes.
Now, someone moves me away from the wreckage. My eyesight is a blur but I can feel gentle hands carefully removing my gold chain and rings. I smile in spite of my condition.
Great fuel for a longer story.
Thank you for reading this and for your comment.
Yes, the attractive thing about most micro-fiction or flash fiction is the doors they open for expanding upon a specific nugget to incorporate it within a larger context. The possibilities seem endless!
A wonderful tale illustrating that life is truly a boomerang.
Thank you for reading this. Yes, the law of karma holds true indeed!
Nice exploration of two sides…
Thank you!
Very nice!
Thank you!
Writing is a little awkward,
Thank you for reading my piece and for your feedback. Please could you let me know what parts you thought are awkward or whether as a whole it seems like that? I would greatly appreciate the details upon which I can improve. Thanks.
I really liked it. But I think this part is what’s awkward:
“Twenty years ago when living in the Mumbai slums close to the railway tracks, a deafening crash had ruptured my sleep. That night Father had come home with the shiny promise of gold jewelry hiding within his clothes.”
1. it’s unclear whether the crash happened before or after father came home. He obviously came home after. But “father came home” would have resolved this.
2. “shiny promise of gold jewelry within his clothes” is unclear to me. “Promise” isn’t necessarily reality. Did you see the gold? Did he show it? Did he verbally communicate it was there?
I really like the idea of karma being transferred from one generation to the next. And the description of the train crash is striking. It reminds me of when I was a train in Vietnam and the train hit a scooter rider. The train barely paused, just long enough to clear the tracks, then continued. This was in striking contrast to when my commuter train in San Francisco hit a car, and the train was canceled and we were transferred to another. There’s a different acceptance level.
Thank you very much for your valuable feedback.
I see what you mean about the ambiguity regarding the crash as well as the description of the gold jewelry (I’d meant it as actual gold and wanted it to come across as a “promise that would lift the slum-dwelling family out of poverty”). In my future work, I’ll pay close attention to whether what I want to say comes across in a clear way or not.
Yes, I’ve experienced the same kind of situation as you while I was commuting back from work in San Fransisco by train and our train hit a passerby. We were transferred to a different train as well and everything seemed to be being followed as per protocol.
It’s a different scenario in countries with very high populations. Life becomes cheap, unfortunately. In fact, this fictional story has its roots in a real incident. In September 2017, many people were killed and injured after a stampede broke out on the crowded suburban Elphinstone road railway station pedestrian bridge in Mumbai. There were reports of theft and molestation as the victims lay wounded and dying. My shock and disgust on reading those news reports manifested into a story that carried within it a wish that the perpetrators be brought to justice by the mysterious workings of fate itself.
wow! Loved this, proving “what goes around comes around.”
Thank you. That karmic law provides a host of interesting plots and character developments to write about.
Powerful story.
Thank you for reading this and for your comment!
Simple story but expressed very nicely. Nice imagery.
Thank you!
Wow nice story. Loved it!
Thanks a lot!
Well done, Deepti. Just read “Robert’s Story” from September 2018. Excellent writing as well.
Thank you!
I meant to say “Robert’s Dive. My apologies.
Thanks for reading that other story, too!
I really loved this. Excellent piece.
Thanks a lot!
Really enjoyed your piece
Thank you!
Brilliant irony in a brilliant story.
Thank you!
Ended with an open jaw for me. Loved it