The old man showed me the goriest crucifix I’ve ever seen. I puked all over the room of religious relics. He told me, “Little girls like you shouldn’t be so squeamish when it comes to the body and blood of Christ.”
He made me clean my mess with only one worn piece of old bed sheet. You can still see my stomach scum on some of the old saint statues. He’s no longer alive, but very well.
A great gold statue of the man that made me vomit now stands heroic to greet the parishioners. I no longer attend his church.
I needed a tad more exposition……………..
I didn’t need more exposition. It may have something to do with the events of a reader’s childhood! Some people come to atheism pretty much like that.
I’m not particularly interested in what you needed Dianne with regards to exposition. Also, I’m not clear on your rather provocative statement that “..some people come to atheism pretty much like that”……. Like vomiting in a room full of religious relics and being forced to clean it up with an old sheet..!!
Being an atheist myself, I would opine that most people like me grow up, start thinking for themselves and turn their backs on the Christian myth.
Yeah, some of the stuff could have been omitted without it really affecting the story, and the words could have been used more economically in places, but exposition would have taken from the urgency.
What urgency…………?
I’m not saying it is fast paced, and I don’t think it’s supposed to be. But, exposition isn’t a great option for a short story like this one.
J.
Exposition is necessary for any story regardless of length.
And it doesn’t have to be too wordy………
What would you write then?
I found this an interesting story, very much in a flash fiction mode. The first paragraph was strong, shocking even, and I was impressed, Philip, with the courage in your choice of language.
I didn’t understand the line, “He’s no longer alive, but very well.” If you care to explain, I’d be grateful. I also think the very last sentence could have been omitted. The “great gold statue” said it all. At least, for me. I knew she would not be back. On the whole, the story gave me pause and made me feel I was right in the thick of it.
Hey Joanna,
Thank you for your feedback. I’m not one for commenting on my own stories, but I appreciate your attention to detail. The line, “He’s no longer alive, but very well.” is admittedly confusing and strange. My intent was to be playful with the common answer, “Alive and well” to the question, “How is so-and-so?” Since the priest has a statue in his image, his presence is still there and honored, whether he deserves to be or not.
Thanks again!
Enjoyed this. I no longer attend His church or ‘his’ church – 😉 nicely done.