By Perry McDaid
Danny’s brow furrowed as the waitress delivered the house coffee to the rustic table alfresco. The cheap biro in his hand seemed to twiddle itself, so imperceptible were his manipulations.
The phone’s Internet app revealed no results to the Short Story contest as yet. He wondered if he had submitted his offering correctly.
Fingers and screen performed a clumsy foxtrot. Taut features relaxed at the confirmation.
Danny stared into the green hills, imagining building a house there, and passed the time with crosswords until he’d check again.
He reached across the table and raised the cup. The coffee looked bleak too.
I think the first paragraph could have been tidied up a tad – use the precious words to expose the character more.
Other than that, I liked it and could relate.
Thank You
I think most writers can relate to this. However, it was a bit too much tell, not show. Overall I liked it.
Thanks< Bobby.
Yep, but getting so much material into a microtale tends to require disproportionate "tell". Maybe i could have cut down on the house-building and alfresco coffee with crosswords, but I kind of liked the multi-layered effect. Ah well.