Determined to win against his two older siblings, Jack crawled inside the cardboard box with Mom’s unwanted winter coat. He burrowed under its bulk and covered his face with the fake fur-lined hood. As the game dragged on, his brothers grew bored and ran to the kitchen for snacks.
Jack’s dad taped up the box and lugged it to the porch, surprised by its bulk (as was the UPS man who loaded it onto his truck). Thinking his brothers were messing with him, Jack said nothing.
He was returned the next day, but Amazon charged extra for the added shipping weight.
Funny!
Nicely done!
Great idea.
Fun write for a comedy/sitcom.
thanks for the funny story! nicely done
Hello Chuck,
Clever little flash piece!!
Reminds me of the children’s book “Inside, Outside, Upside Down.”
One factual element prevented my full appreciation for this piece, Would, I thought reading it, a boy actually fit in a box that held only a fur coat?
I felt the ending would be of greater impact if a more concise word was used to describe the coat. “Unwanted” made me think box was going as a donation to some charitable organization.
My suggestion concerning writing style would be (my suggestion, only, so…) would be you might either tell the reader, “Determined to win against his two older siblings. . .”, or show by actions and thoughts his determination.
Best,
Cathryn
Funny! Would love to read the reactions at the other end when they received the bulky package!
Ha ha..thank god Amazon returned it though 🙂
Good thing it’s a story. Nice job.
Really nice story and very funny. I agree with many of the other comments about your writing style and word choice. Was the box surprisingly bulky or heavy? But well done.
This was a clever story, as my skin was starting to prickle at the intention of horror, but then the comical element came in as a saviour. Fab little piece.
I’m so glad this went the comedic way in the end and not the darker way. Well done!
Good one!
Clever–on a few different levels!
Clever humorous story. Forget the nitpicking gratuitous advice and just keep writing.
Fun story. Loved the title.
Loved it!
Thanks everyone for reading the story and leaving a comment. It’s always appreciated.
Hmmm. I’m not sure this was intended to have a comical ending. Who knows what conditions the boy in the box endured? Intense heat or cold overnight could kill a child taped inside a stuffed box. I sensed the horror in what “they” would find when they opened the box.