By Fred Vogel
So here he is—a good guy with a bright future. And then he goes out and kills someone.
And then he speeds away from the crime scene as if he were fleeing from the gates of Hell.
And then he is back home. And then he locks the door behind him and takes a dozen deep breaths. And then he slides down with his back to the door, squatting like a baseball catcher. And then he falls asleep.
And then he wakes when the morning paper bounces off the door. And then he remembers last night. And then he cries.
I’m not sure if this is as simple as it looks: however, the story doesn’t really work for me… I got to the end and said ‘so what?’ which is, I’m sure, not the idea! Also, the repetition of ‘and then’ IS too simplistic – for such a short piece, every word must pay rent and the ‘and then’ repetitions took me straight back to primary school, where we had a jail for those two words – they weren’t allowed! Good writing skills, a little more editing will give the reader more narrative to dig into. x
I tend to agree somewhat with lizmilnewriting…but I also like the repetition in this piece, which tends to fragment things, much as the life of the character is fragmented and shall ultimately be destroyed by his actions. Maybe the story could stand some rewriting, but I felt it compelling as it is. What’s the old saying about opinions? “To each his own.”