The balding man approached from across the wide, cobblestone plaza, said he knew I was American by my shoes, then asked to share my bench.
He said the birds swooping and darting across the sunset were swallows, “retrieving us from mosquitoes.”
He said the stooped, grey-haired women, all in black, were “vestigial remains” of communist times. “Town squares everywhere in Poland are fluttering with them at dusk, like the birds.”
He said the “outage of communism” was “Poland’s bounty,” yet he still didn’t trust politicians. He paused, searching for the English words to best convey his view: “Politicians, they’re all Jews.”
A very fetching slice-of-life, c. 1991. Loved the way the old man spoke in definite “I know whereof I speak” tones.
Thank you for your thoughts.
A fine example of what flash fiction ought to do–making us hear everything left unsaid.
Two word choices left me a little unsatisfied: “retrieved” and “outage.” If the author had the option to change them, would she? If not, I’d enjoy knowing the particular reason for defending each.
Otherwise–bravo. I’m not a fan of what I’d call nano-fiction; I prefer the 1000-word-limit form. But this story has done its job admirably.
Thank you for your questions and comments! I answered below in a reply to another comment. So good to have your careful eye.
Glad you responded, and your explanation makes it seem obvious in rereading. But I think in such short pieces the writer has no room to–uh–retrieve the reader’s focus on the story if something disturbs the flow.
It would have been better, I think, if the old man spoke directly throughout the entire piece. You caught the inflections of someone for whom English was a second language, and I think readers might have more easily recognized (as we should have, since you’d put them in quotes) that his word choices were in character.
The point of the story gave me chills; the writing did its job quite well, but I admit that use of the word retrieved caused me to pause. I decided it was intended to be reprieved. (The mosquitoes go after the birds instead of the humans.)
I am an old advertising writer and our goal was to make the point quickly and without allowing the writing to get in the way of the message by causing the reader to stop reading.
Yes–at first I thought it might just have been a typo. But “reprieved” seemed rather awkward too.
Thank you. I like what you say about not having language get in the way of the message. I answered the question about odd words below, in my reply to another person’s comment. And all add:. There was a sentence in an easier draft about the man wanting to practice his English with a native speaker, but it ended up getting cut. I suppose now that it might’ve helped. Thanks again for your thoughts!
Love the visual of elderly ladies fluttering like birds in the dusk. A very unusual story.
We know that man in a matter of a few paragraphs. Excellent.
Very powerful story. A simple encounter between two strangers on a park bench is very enlightening. It actually becomes a stroll backwards in time. In two ways. First, his description of the gray-haired women, and second, the words he chooses to describe his mistrust of politicians. Interesting stuff.
My two cents on the retrieving vs. reprieving question: When I read it, I was actually thinking “relieving” might work.
Thank you all for your comments! The slightly “off” use of English from the old man was b/c he was speaking in a language not his own– his search for the “right” foreign (i.e. English) word made sometimes poetic, sometimes darker ideas come to the fore. But it’s good for me to see my intentions were not clear. If the readers are confused, the writer needs to change something. So I appreciate your honest feedback. Thank you for taking the time!
Excellent story. You really showed insight into the old man’s thoughts. (I’m assuming that it’s an older man as some are quite talkative and opinionated.) The use of some of awkward choice of words show the concept of the second language. Nice one.
This is a mature story in both subject and style, taking me to a delightful philosophical train of thought.
The two “He saids” bothered me, but I offer no suggestion. I liked the heck out of this and the way you think. Jeff