I breathed out through my nose and put down my sub.
“Do you really like my beard?” I asked.
“What?” Brendan asked. He paused between bites, but he didn’t stop.
“Like, a lot? I should keep it?”
“Sure.”
I sighed. “That instills confidence.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” he said. “It’s a beard.”
I pursed my lips. “Sorry.”
He looked at my beard carefully. “There’s something in it,” he finally said.
That was sweet. He really thought it added something. I smiled. “Thank you, that’s what—”
He reached up and picked a piece of meatball from it.
no real story, conflict or character development
First off, thank you for reading and critiquing! Do you think there’s much I could have done with this story to improve it? Or do you think I should just begin a new draft?
Best, and thanks again,
Mark Elgersma
Yes, begin with a very serious reason for the beard – like not being taken seriously for job interviews for being baby-faced. That sets up a back story and also provides for the punchline ending. Introduce more “show” and less actual mention of “beard”.
Sorry, hit wrong button before finishing. Okay, no rewriting your creation for you, just giving an example of what I mean about backstory, plot, and character development.
Example only:
I put down my sub to push out my chin and stroke the luxuriant growth.
“Well?”
“What?” Brendan was focused on relish escaping from his own sandwich.
“Do I look mature enough for a managerial job now?”
“Sure.”
I sighed. “Professional?”
“Don’t know what you want me to say.” He shrugged. “It’s a beard.”
“Cheers, mate. Glad of the support!”
He eyed me over his crust.. “There’s something in it,” he said eventually..
Hurrah, something constructive. Good to know it added something. I smiled gratefully. “Thanks, that’s what I was—”
He reached across and plucked a piece of meatball from it.
Good piece of humour
Thanks a lot! I try to offer some humor in the pieces I write. 🙂
Best, and thanks for reading,
Mark Elgersma
Haha, I enjoyed this 🙂
Thanks a lot! I’m always glad to hear kind words. 🙂
Best, and thank you for reading,
Mark Elgersma
No story. Big deal, a piece of food? Next time try a spider, a lost lottery ticket, or different colored hair from who knows where.
I’m sorry you feel that way! I tried to write a slice of life with a conflict that might occur in everyday life, but that might not have come across. Thank you so much for reading, and your suggestions!
Best, and thank you for reading,
Mark Elgersma
I enjoyed this and it worked for me as “a slice of life.” Drama doesn’t always have to be in the form of big gestures. Sometimes small pieces of meatball say so much more.
This site says authors need feedback. I like reading the stories as well as the feedback, but can we keep the comments useful and not rude? I thought it was funny, Mark. The whole point is that some of these are serious, others sad, shocking or just a little drop of amusement.
^^^ What Alex says
Sorry, Alex, but the point is that these are stories, not excuses for punchlines. We should all stick to our own comments. If knights on white chargers interest you – write a story about one.
One thing we all need as writers is a thick skin.
One thing we don’t need is praise where it is undue.
Perry, if you feel a piece doesn’t deserve praise, then don’t praise it.
Any constructive feedback can be delivered with tact. If it cannot, then it’s probably not constructive and has no place here.
Please be respectful to our authors and other commenters. – Maura, 101 Words
1) “Perry, if you feel a piece doesn’t deserve praise, then don’t praise it.”
f you are only looking for positive feedback, then say so, that time may not be wasted providing anything but effusive praise and wonderment.
Though in the real world, writers need feedback to improve, not just vapid pats on the back.
My comments on this story were without rancour or ill-manners; were concise and – more to the point – accurate. When Mark asked how it might be improved, I took time to answer to the point of providing an example. Nothing about that was rude – quite the reverse.
Alex’s comment, however, was a direct attack on rauthor68. My corrective comment referenced the standards of feedback as represented by 101’s own feedback on my pieces.
Try a bit of respect yourself.
Sounds like a “guy” conversation over lunch. The first guy looking for recognition the other not really listening or caring. Reminded me of a Seinfeld script. I liked it. Fun and simple.