By Karen R. Arbogast
On her thirtieth birthday, her husband gave her a port-a-potty: bags included; cobalt blue.
This was the year they tried to make a garage their home. He was a contractor full of dreams.
Weekends, she hauled bottled water from her parents’ house to wash.
Mornings before work, she wrote.
Indignant, she snubbed his potty and continued going outside with her dog. Together squatting and pissing; watching the truckers on the highway, wondering what they could see from there.
Why hadn’t she seen any of this coming? Why was she suddenly getting so much insight outside like this and on her birthday?
I know a couple living in a situation like this. They live in a garage behind his mother’s house. They are not allowed in because the mother is afraid of being robbed. Someone told me they are on drugs. She is in a methadone program. She looked for jobs all around the neighborhood and was sure she would get one. Her husband doesn’t work. She finally got a job at a nail salon, after applying at a lot of businesses. I don’t think it lasted. She also found a job walking dogs, which she loves. I was really surprised when I read this. I thought their situation was unusual.
I think ‘whaattt?’ sums up my review on this. There is a collection of activities with no plot – the reader expected to make up their own.
Hi! Sorry you didn’t like it. Really, I am. The editor advised me to change the ending. I didn’t. Actually, it happened…..like this. On the hill, with her dog at her side, she had an “ah ha” moment wondering why she hadn’t seen it coming. And….OMG! She was 30 now…and the port-a-potty indicated that well…he didn’t expect to have the bathroom in anytime soon….. so I guess you wouldn’t like the sequel any better. It is still under construction.
Well, Perry (and Karen), I believe life is often, maybe always, a collection of activities with no plot.
At least no plot visible in advance to the human eye. Maybe to the eye of God, or whatever universal energy you believe in. Whether that makes for a good 101-word story I don’t know, But making the reader fill in the lacunae is a good interactive exercise!! Jerry
I didn’t say I didn’t like it, KA. I review on the strengths as a story. It would be better as a free verse poem, where more demands as to interpretation are made upon the reader. The fact that life happens occasionally in an apparent disjointed vacuum – as glkamens suggests – is irrelevant, it is up to fiction writers to make sense of this for readers.
Didn’t say I didn’t like it – it would probably work better as a free verse poem where interpretation is required more from readers. I merely reviewed on the strength of its being prose fiction where writers are expected to make sense of the disjointed events glkamens – somewhat irrelevantly -sees life as.
Fiction is not about setting puzzles but building a story. Even Cloud Atlas is made clear at the end, and there’s a world of difference between allowing the reader to cross a river by stepping stones and expecting the to leap the Amazon “lacuna”.
By all means be thought-provoking and tease the reader to predict, just shy from expecting them to be the literary equivalent of Las Schaller.
It was an interesting beginning. Sorry, I also wasn’t crazy about it but I will say, it was extremely affective: totally depressed me which really does indicate it has impact. A few question needed to be addressed: 1. What was her “work”, what led her to be such a “victim”?
I understood she was a woman of no career — no job, even — but many gigs. Hauled the water in from the parents’ house one time to wash her hair because she had a Cincinnati Enquirer assignment to write about a nearby historical town. Sometimes clerical assignments. Anything to help defray expenses. Let’s face it — hard to go to work every day under those conditions. Ebbs at one’s confidence. She was a victim because she had little confidence in herself. Her mother, they tell me, lit candles in the back of church on her behalf. The big $1 candles. They worked, so I am told. She turned out OK, tho. Took awhile. Sorry you didn’t like it, either. My writing instructor told me I wrote great beginnings…..well…beginnings — they’re a start (-: (-: Thank you.
PS Kerouac’s On the Road was rejected all over the place at first I tell myself this in moments of despair. Thanks., Take care.
Karen, I like this – I think it needs to be longer. I don’t think 101 words is enough to sketch out your brave woman and her man. I liked it before I read the comments, I liked it even more knowing about her trying to wash her hair and accept writing assignments while essentially homeless. Don’t apologise for this story – finish it! (And keep writing!)
Thank you, Liz. Just got up. My writing instructor always advised me: write through it.
I agree that you should keep writing this story. Don’t worry if your idea doesn’t fit the 101 Words, use the comments above to round out and refine your story. The comments submitted should offer some guide as to where and how you can improve your idea.
Thank you, b. Actually, the husband in the story — so I have been told — was a scoundrel. Unable to make deals on the table, only under it. Read comment 1 — this gal’s mother put her jewelry out of site and cash, too. Ditto, I am told. Her father said, “That man always has the “shorts.” “They” say he was this gal’s poor choice number 3 or 4 or 5 — depending upon how far one wanted to go back. 13? 20? But her mother, those huge candles, devotions to St. Jude…..and her sister and, of course her dog. Thank you for the encouragement.
I have had a great time. Another writing instructor (when I was in UC Evening College) said, ‘Writing is not for weaklings.” He was right, But it’s fun and I love 101 Words for their helpful hints on getting my story read and for giving me this great opportunity. KA & her two dogs
I love this snapshot, Karen. Think this is begging to be a longer story, as others have suggested. You already won my empathy and interest in the protagonist, no simple feat in 101 words.
Karen – I agree life really is just a collection of snapshots and the point often seems more implied than stated and your work was true to that. I really liked this BUT more importantly it sparked a lot of comments, both positive and not. So you made people really think and that is a great accomplishment.
I really enjoyed this. The story behind the cleverly fed detail came through for me, and the image of the MC squatting with the dog is solid and stark. Nice play with the title, too. Well done.
Daggone if you haven’t made my Saturday And my week! Thank you. KA
Karen, I liked the guts of the story, which pictured the construction, the couple’s conflict, the dog, the birthday. But flash fiction requires every word to fight for its survival. I think revising would create words for your plot development. For example: “Indignant, she snubbed his potty and continued going outside with her dog. Together, squatting and pissing;” (16 words) might be shortened to “She preferred pissing outside with the dog.” (9 words). That way, you pick up 7 words to use, while still showing the reader she eschewed his damn potty. Likewise, the 23 words in the final two “Why?” sentences need cutting to provide a stronger conclusion.
Thank you. Good usable critique. Thanks so much. Been writing for a few years, flash mostly, but the more I think I know, the more I see I need to work on and learn. I am one of those “older Americans” and I am putting together (trying to put together (-: a chapbook about my life and times — 1950s, 60s, 70s and beyond. Whether I make my goal or not, it beats NOT writing or trying to put together a chapbook…thank you. KA & dogs