By Angie Dent
My mum leans over. Says, “I hope one day you’ll have a daughter as naughty as you!” I was five.
Fast forward.
Busy Saturday supermarket. My wild screaming banshee daughter.
Sat in trolley, pushed trolley, balanced on trolley. Fell off bloody trolley.
Octopus arms grabbed chocolate, sweets, razors, wine, kitten food, … anything in reach.
Tried calm voice, angry voice, threats, bribes, biscuit from bakery man, tuts from condescending old bag. No truce reached.
Shopping abandoned.
Manhandle hellion into car where she’ll quickly fall asleep with no remorse and no recollection of her carnage.
When she wakes, I will say to her…
Oh yes. Been there, with own children and grandchildren. You conjured up the situation very well. When your little daughter wakes up, all soft and sleepy, and puts her arms around you, you’ll say, “You are so gorgeous”… or something like it.
One very small point, regarding your first paragraph. An editor Shannon interviewed a few months ago said he became very irritated by ‘he says’ and ‘she says’ all over a story. The way to get around it is to use action bunts. In your first sentence you had a perfect action bunt but you put in ‘says’ anyway. In my opinion, t would read better as:
My mum leans over. “I hope one day you’ll have a daughter as naughty as you!” I was five.
Thank you Rosemary. My first two drafts didn’t have the ‘says’ before the edits. I started with the quote in the first. It’s early days so I appreciate the constructive feedback. The mum will say the same as her mum did at the end!
I thought it was great but I also loved the constructive feedback in the comment above. Instruction like that sounds professional and I, for one will take it to heart.
Excellent description and action. One thing always bugs me in these stories: why “old” bag…I’m old and I never made any comments like the one you suggest. Please let’s be aware of ageism in our stories.
We wouldn’t be able to write anything descriptive, if so. Someone is always offended. It’s just art, not talking about you…
Love the visual of octopus arms. Nice tie-in at the end. I’ve witnessed children doing such deeds. My heart always goes out to the parents! Hang in there!
My! That makes you just want to be good to your ageing parents. And smile.
Thank you all for the feedback. Apologies for the old comment too! The mum will say the same as her mum at the end… ‘I hope one day..’ so it’s gone full circle.
This could be a description of my youngest, so I sympathize/empathize. I actually finished this story in my head with “I will say to her…I love you.” Despite how our children act sometimes, it doesn’t truly change the way we feel about them. And after a nap, everything is reset. Very nice piece Angie, interesting rhythm to it as well. Nicely done!