By Peter J.
“We’re not ready for another dog.”
“Please?”
“We’ll have to take him to the shelter.”
“I’ll take good care of him.”
“It’s too soon.”
“He’s a good boy; I can tell.”
“The answer is no.”
“He followed me home.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Please?”
“We don’t have supplies.”
“Yes we do. We saved Rusty’s stuff.”
“Not the collar. We’d have to buy food and a collar. A big collar, since he’s a big dog.”
“Rusty was a big dog.”
“What’s your point?”
“I grabbed his collar from the trash.”
“Honey.”
“It’s been under my pillow for a year.”
There was a pause.
“Okay.”
Your use of dialogue sounds natural, and moves the story. Perhaps you might have kept it moving by eliminating the two lines “Rusty was a big dog.”/”What’s your point?” This would have taken me quickly to “I grabbed his collar from the trash”–a nice plot development. It also would have allowed you nine words for a different ending after “There was a pause” than merely, “Okay.” Perhaps a final reaction by the about-to-be-adopted dog (whom I’m thinking is there with the two people) to seal the deal. Something like: The new dog looked up, wagged his bushy tail.
Thank you for your praise and feedback. I was trying to creating the image of how the asker was trying to counter-argue the statement about buying a new collar. The argument (against the dog) is buying new stuff would be expensive, and the bigger the collar the more expensive it’d be. It is supposed to be a weak reason for not keeping the dog, and so it is easily shot down. Personally, if I was to bring up something very emotional and sensitive (saving the collar) I would try to hint at it first. The reason I chose the word ‘okay’ at the end was because I wanted it to seem more of a guilt-influenced answer; as opposed to ‘fine’ or something else which may have been read as a sassy agreement. A dog reaction would have tied it together, that is a good idea. Thank you for your criticism, I do appreciate it.
The parent never stood a chance! It’s actually very sophisticated negotiating on the child’s part – and totally believable! Really enjoyed it. “Okay” is perfectly fine as the final word – if I was to flirt with an alternative, maybe I’d try “We’ll see” — that classic parent signal of surrender.
Thank you so much! I appreciate the suggestion. 🙂
Very nice and I must say very realistic dialogue negotiation between child and parent over a pet. Sweet.
I agree with sue, I thought the negatiating in the story is well done, and I love that the parent caves at the end, the emotion that goes into savig a collar for a year… Yikes! Well done
Thank you so much Sue and Christina! I really appre late the feedback! 🙂
I love this story. Honest and realistic. Well done Carinna.
I really like the story as is. Ending is great! And I can just imagine this conversation between you and your mom!
Lol, thank you Smilia!