By Bobby Warner
Brindle glanced nervously at his watch. No sign of Harley’s car, not even a phone call.
Logan hitched up his pants and grunted, “What you think went wrong?”
“Don’t know, but he’s almost an hour late. Every time I try to call him, it goes into voice mail. Something’s happened. We better do like he said.”
“You don’t look so good. Want me to do it?” Logan asked, half smiling as he glanced at the boy secured to a tree trunk with duct tape over his mouth.
“I wish you would. That kid looks a helluva lot like my little brother.”
I like the ending, and how Brindle’s and Logan’s personalities emerge. But there are at least nine words I’d suggest cutting, which would keep your story while allowing more room for conflict and plot. Examples: you don’t need to say “nervously” in the first sentence because you show us in the second sentence; cut “car” and leave it at “No sign of Harley, not even a phone call.”; shorten “I try to call him” to “I call him”; chop “almost” and “so”; change “glanced at” to “checked” (more Logan’s style); and, perhaps “Would you?” instead of “I wish you would.” I want to know more. I’d like to read a follow-up story involving Brindle, Logan (and Harley).
I’m not sure that the suggested changes would have bought you anything, Bobby, I’d go with the original……..
Neil – I think you have a sound understanding of word use in flash fiction, especially micro-fiction. Your suggestions would leave Bobby several opportunities to strengthen his story.
Many thanks, guys for your comments, both pro and con. Am always happy to listen to suggestions that will make my microfiction better. Love writing these super-short stories. They allow me to jump in, tell a story, jump out and right into the next one. I received some super editing advice before doing the final (and printed) draft of this story…so, you see, I DO listen to recommendations for improvement and try to respond positively to them! Thanks again. As to another Brindle, Logan, and Harley story: These are some pretty despicable characters, and I hadn’t thought about having any more to do with them…but your suggestion to follow up on their, ah, distasteful occupation might bear consideration. So…I’ll think about it.
Effectively creepy piece, Bobby. Dark as a pocket.
Practice makes perfect. But, perfection is not on the menu of your characters is it? Follow your gut and hone your skills. You’ve got killer instincts. Huh? Say What?
Nice one, Bobby. I agree that this crew would be perfect for a series, or for a longer piece.