By Andrew Ough-Jones
“Darling, how do I look?”
“How many times? Wear dresses that cover your knees!” Jimmy shouted.
Arabella went out regardless. She swirled the lemon twist in her fourth cocktail aimlessly as he laughed away with colleagues.
Jimmy often went out alone. Always returning drowned in the stench of perfumes not in her collection. At first she ignored it. Shrugged it off as being silly, another insecurity. Then one night she saw. He was dropped off by another woman. They kissed. Careless.
“Goodbye, hollow love,” Arabella spoke aloud. Because she knew where he kept the gun. And the bullets.
“This ends tonight.”
It was very dark outside that night. The other woman, of course. may have been his sister or mother, Could it be that Arabella jumped to a coronary occlusion?
Jerry
Very nice twist ending.
Putting aside the rather hackneyed plot, there are a few issues which detract from this piece.
“She swirled the lemon twist in her fourth cocktail aimlessly as he laughed away with colleagues.”
Although I get what the author means, this is a poorly constructed sentence. (She aimlessly swirled…)
Unless she is chopping and changing cocktails (which would need to be stipulated) the cocktail should be named to complete the image, otherwise it’s a bit vague, distracting the reader from the plot as he/she wonders what cocktail takes a lemon twist.
Although “laughed away” is used in the vernacular, it requires an object of sorts – laughed away the hours/pain … or even ‘to herself’. You simply laugh WITH friends.
And I’m afraid the story doesn’t really gel. She accepts the cornucopia of perfume from his clothes – but heads for the gun at the sight of him being dropped off and kissed (no time or type of kiss indicated).
““Goodbye, hollow love,” Arabella spoke aloud. Because she knew where he kept the gun. And the bullets.”
Quite apart from the odd use of “spoke” here, and the repeated use of new sentences not required, the “Because” is incongruous. She doesn’t say “Goodbye, hollow love” (who says that anyway?) because she knows where the gun is, but because she has had enough and is going to use it (again beyond the realms of suspended belief).
When writing microfiction especially, you really need to polish every word and sentence to perfection.
I purposely left the doubt over Arabella. Is she a reliable source? Maybe it is as straight as the piece reads or perhaps she is a drunk contorting Jimmy’s actions into what she expects to see.
That is for the reader to interpret.
But in any case, thank you all very much for your comments. Both praise and critique is much appreciated.
Perry,
Why is it important that a cocktail be named? I don’t think it serves any purpose to nit pick, do you….?