The breadbox had sat there, unassuming, on the corner of my grandmother’s kitchen counter. Its roll-back cover working endlessly over the years as loaves and muffins were extracted from its innards. Grandmother had never paid it any mind; to her it was just an appliance, like the microwave and oven.
When she died the breadbox came to me. Nobody else wanted it—this weathered, drink-stained box—but I remembered what was inside: hushed giggles over cinnamon-raisin bread, Sunday morning cornbread snuggles…
As I rolled back the bamboo lid, the air filled with the dry sweetness of Pumpernickel. I smiled. Grandmother’s favorite.
I like this. Not only what you said, but also how you fit it so naturally and smoothly into the 101 words.
Jennifer
thank you! it definitely took some time fitting it into the appropriate word count. 😉
This was lovely – really evocative of emotions and relationship while not treating them directly…
thank you!
I found the ending more satisfying than the beginning.
“The breadbox had sat there, unassuming, on the corner of my grandmother’s kitchen counter. ”
“there” followed by “corner of…” is too repetitive a thought – how about
The breadbox had sat on the corner of grandmothers kitchen counter (add – as long as I can recall (or some other memory text))
“Its roll-back cover working endlessly over the years as loaves and muffins were extracted from its innards.”
How about “Its roll-back cover offered her guests (or family, or me) an endless stream of homemade loaves and muffins”
“Extracted from its innards” sounds to me too surgical.
“Grandmother had never paid it any mind; to her it was just an appliance, like the microwave and oven.”
Instead of “appliance” how about “fixture”.
The mention of “microwave” distracts from the grandmother-granddaughter-cooked bread image.
…
Just some suggestions.
…
The last two paras were really nice.
hi jeff! thanks for giving such detailed feedback. it’s rare that someone takes so much time to comment on other people’s work and i do appreciate it. as you gave me so much time commenting, i want to be sure to do the same in responding. 🙂
i like your adjustment to my first sentence. cutting the “there” and adding a memory would probably have improved the opening.
though i appreciate your adjustment to the second sentence, i think i must respectfully disagree. i like the word “innards”, i think it reveals some of the character’s voice.
i like your other adjustment though in terms of fixture vs appliance. as the breadbox doesn’t have any buttons or electronic function, i think fixture would have been a good choice as well. i wasn’t 100% sold on using the word appliance, but i couldn’t think of another. (i was also very focused on getting my tenses correct b/c apparently i was confused about past vs perfect past.)
thanks again for commenting!!
A great, natural story, Valerie. It’s simple but hits home. I stumbled over the word “had” in the first paragraph; it slowed my reading of the story. That being said, I loved the bit about hushed giggles over cinnamon-raisin bread and the dry sweetness of Pumpernickel. Well done!
*Gets up to go get a snack because the story made her hungry…*
ha! thanks sara! i don’t like the word “had” either, but the tenses were wrong the way i originally submitted and had to be adjusted to something like perfect past tense. (i still don’t understand the rules of it all.) but the editors here are very friendly. 🙂
I liked this very much. You touched my heart. Thank you.
i’m glad you liked it. i have a soft spot for grandmother’s (i recently lost my grandmother-in-law). we inherited her breadbox, so this was somewhat inspired by her.
Well done, subtle and emotional … a great little piece of life in such a small slice …
thank you!
Well written piece. Of the everyman, for the every man.
thank you barry!