By Anna Patton
Jessica runs and Jon follows slowly; her joyful laugh will smother him someday. He carries a shoebox containing Jessica’s prized postcards and Jon’s favorite novel. He longs to tear at it and recover the book.
Beneath an ancient oak, they dig to bury their time capsule. Jon sees a glint in the earth: a silver cylinder, its surface etched with strange symbols. They each grab an end and pull until the pop. Blue sand pours out and then rises to fill Jessica’s open mouth, stifling her scream just as Jon’s head hits a tree root and the world snaps to black.
This began so beautifully–wonderful concise portrait. And then it rollercoasted to a breathless sci-fi ending that I think was ill-served by this abbreviated form. It would have made a rather wonderful longer story–you have a gift for illuminating your characters without unnecessary description. But I did feel sorry for poor Jon who didn’t get to enjoy Jessica’s unique comeuppance here.
This was originally about 600 words and I cut it down for this site for the challenge of the task. But you know, I loved the original piece so much that it was really hard doing so. Good practice for editing the novel. Thanks so much for reading.
Oh Anna, I truly enjoyed this! Nice job!
Nice job! Shiver. What happens next?
Great story.
This long-time science fiction fan enjoyed your story. Maybe you could submit the longer version to FLASH FICTION MAGAZINE. I, for one, would like to read the longer version.
Yes! I like the suddeness of the transition.