By Aelth Faye
“Help me, please,” the little girl begs.
The businessmen glance at her, then past her. Not their problem.
“Please, he’ll beat me again!”
They keep walking past.
Another well-dressed man enters the building and then sees her. “Stop being melodramatic, Lucy. You deserved a swat.”
She shakes her head, tears forming.
A blue-haired girl leaves her chair and kneels in front of Lucy. “You okay?”
Lucy risks a glance upwards, then slowly shakes her head.
Years later, Lucy finally asks, “Why did you believe me? No one else did.”
The punk looks up at the stars. “No one believed me either…”
I love ambiguity, Aelth, and you deliver. I’ll spend the rest of the day working out this little gem.
Happy to help. 😉
Salvation appears from the most unlikely of places sometimes . . . *smiles*. Well done Aelth.
Thanks!
I like how you create a sense of urgency right away. How you get me hating the “well-dressed man.” How Lucy’s hopelessness turns to desperate honesty. The “blue-haired girl” entering the picture, believing and . . . My suggestion involves word-cutting. In flash fiction, it’s been said, each word has to fight for its survival. For example, I suggest cutting 4 words: a “her” in your 2nd sentence; “past” in the 4th sentence–you told us this in the 2nd sentence; “then” in the 5th line; and, “finally,” because “years later” implies this? You then have 4 words to add [perhaps for the Lucy & punk dialog at the end]. A strong story. Keep writing!
Thanks for the suggestions! I’ll keep them in mind for next time.
The story had a nice twist, and it’s fun to contemplate the end. But I had difficulty keeping a consistent scene. First I saw her standing on the sidewalk, but then the well dressed man entered the building so then she was in a lobby, but then what is the blue haired girl doing there? She kneels at Lucy’s feet but then Lucy has to look up to see her? 101 words hardly allows for much description but I think those 4 words freed up by Neil might have helped clarify the scene.