By Warner Williams
As a little girl, a pretty flower bewitched me. It was attractive and irresistible; I had to touch it. I held it softly and caressed the silk petals.
It will be mine, I thought. It was so lovely; it would make mom happy. I saw it in her hair, complementing her rosy cheeks and red lips. She would tell everyone that I gave it to her.
People would know me as the rose petal that beautifies all.
I yanked the rose free. Pain shot up my thumb. Blood dripped on my shirt.
What a cunning vampire you are, you wicked rose.
Perfect build up and then the ending changed direction. Great.
Lovely read… well done… kudos …
Hello Warner,
I totally agree with S ; I loved the spin at the end. Delightful.
Mood and inferences remind me of William Blake’s poem, ‘The Sick Rose”.
One suggestion: be mindful of tense switching. The example given is from the 1st paragraph, but errors of tense are throughout this lovely flash piece.
” A pretty flower always bewitched me as a little girl.
This rose I’m holding now is attractive and irresistible; I touch it. I hold it softly and caress the silk petals.” (Please also note. I put the theme words ( theme is about the flower’s bewitching nature, and not about the girl) at the beginning of the paragraph to catch the reader’s attention).
Again, a very evocative story,
Cathryn
Cathryn,
I like your suggestion about putting “bewitched” at the beginning but Idon’t agree with the others. I think the tense confusion is because it is a memory that also projects into the future. The way Warren has written it, it sounds more like a child-like and appropriate, even though it may well be an adult speaking. Until I read your comments I hadn’t even realized.
Warren, my suggestion would be to capitalized and italicized the name the child fantasized about being called (sorry I cannot see story as I write this).
Impressive !