By Kirtan Savith Kumar
She sat on the chair opposite him, shaking her sippy cup joyfully. Spit dribbled down her chin, but she didn’t care.
“Here comes the aeroplane.” He tried to muster a smile, waving a spoon with mashed peas in front of her.
She looked at him for a moment, mumbled something incoherent and smacked his hand away with her tiny own. Fair enough, mashed peas were disgusting.
The next day, he returned. But with a scrapbook this time. He flipped it open, pausing at a photo of his wedding day.
“Who’s this?” he asked her. Praying…hoping…his wife remembered.
She didn’t.
Oh wow!
Great little epic. Touching.
I can relate. My mom has Alzheimer’s and doesn’t know me. Still I visit regularly. I will remember for both of us.
I thought maybe it was an adult, but the word “tiny” kept me in “baby” mode. Nicely done.
This story is a good example of giving the reader “a reversal of expectations.” It’s believable.
The first paragraph does a good job of establishing one of the characters, or so the reader thinks. That part is good. Just one picky point. . . “but she didn’t care.” This puts us in the mind of this character.
Then in the next paragraph we in in the mind of a new character. “. . .he tried to muster a smile. . .”
The omniscient point of view can work in a novel, but seldom in a short story, and for such a short story as this, is really confusing. It’s an easy fix to correct this. Get out of the mind of the first character by changing “but she didn’t care” to “she appeared not to care.”
One other point: “tiny hand.” I assume you used this to further our expectation of dealing with a child. However, “tiny” is stretching, an over emphasis that isn’t needed. “Small hand” would be better. It still gives us the picture of a child.
All in all, a good story.
I did not find the POV at all confusing, but agree on tiny vs small.
Great twist. Touching.
Oh my God..Simply wow..
Very powerful, well done
I love the twist here. I also like that you don’t explain a lot to leave it up to the readers to fill in the blank. Is she an old woman? Is she young and suffered a brain injury? It’s really good.
Aww! Unexpected and brilliant! I loved it!
This is a lovely story, well constructed. It moved me.