This is New Jersey

By Gregg Howard

I was standing on the moonlit diving board, a Tanqueray and tonic in one hand, enjoying a slow luxurious midnight piss into Uncle Louie’s pool, when I heard a slight noise and looked over my right shoulder.

My five-year-old daughter was standing there holding a pistol.

“Daddy,” she said, “Uncle Louie is sleeping on the hallway floor and the front door’s open and the floor’s all red.”

“Baby,” I gasped. ”Please! Don’t move an inch!”

Have you ever heard that theory that women can stop a pee midstream but men cannot? Turns out it’s just a question of the proper motivation.