By Mir-Yashar Seyedbagheri
Big sister Nancy and I put up three pumpkins.
Neighbors admire our assiduousness, watching with starched smiles.
Halloween will be good medicine after her. Yet, they offer no relief.
We adhere to verisimilitude, carving with precision. A pumpkin family.
First, brother and sister pumpkins.
Brother and sister have wide eyes, weary, upturned mouths.
Third the mother.
We place brother and sister pumpkins together, mother a few feet apart. A few more.
She stares at us, faceless. We can’t figure out what expression she’d wear.
Unhappy? Relieved to be away from children?
We pretend the mother pumpkin is coming back.
It’s easier.
Love this.
Whoa! What great images. What a great story told via pumpkins. Well done.
So beautifully written, and heartbreaking.
Excellent imagery to tell the story.
Sad for the children to be without their mother. Interesting choice of words, ” assiduousness, precision and verisimilitude.” Shows the narrator to be precocious and very aware of the situation. Good description “watching with starched smiles.”
Some of this is not clear: “Halloween will be good medicine after her.” By the end we know the “her” refers to the mother, but here it is confusing. It would be clearer to say “. . . after what happened.” Also, “Yet, they offer no relief.” is confusing. Who are “they?” I figured out finally that “They” refers to neighbors. Why not say, “Neighbors offer no relief.”
Just a little tweaking to make a good story a great story.
Good stuff. I loved how you told us so much about the characters using only their stand-ins (the pumpkins).
I was a bit confused by the pronouns in this paragraph: “Halloween will be good medicine after her. Yet, they offer no relief.” (I wasn’t sure who the “she” was [mother?] or the “they” [pumpkins?]”)
Otherwise, really solid stuff!
well-done–therapy in 100 words! 🙂