By Frankie Rembly
Shots Fired…Man with a Gun…Terminal Hotel…Room 3A
I run up the stairs. The door’s three-quarters open, lighting practically nonexistent. A man’s slumped in a chair, but I can’t make out his face. I hug the wall and quickly converge on him.
Moonlight exposes a shiny gun in his hand.
I draw down on him. “Give it up, mother fucker!” But my mission ceases…part of his head is missing!
Suddenly, something wet and gooey hits my left shoulder. His brains and part of his skull were sticking to the ceiling.
Fuck vanity, I’m starting to wear my glasses!
Attention grabbing start, great second act. Suprise ending but it needs more to tie it into the suprise. I loved the idea for the story because it shows how well you use your imagination.
Thanks you for your constructive criticism
Frankie
Rather juvenile use of language. Maybe if you had added cocksucker…
I believe that was a popular EXACT expression used by cops in the later part of the twentieth century when they confronted an individual with a gun. I can attest to that from personal experience using it numerous times over the twenty years I was confronting armed persons in my career as a Police Officer in NYC. POLICE FREEZE just does not quite work. That sounds like Please Freeze, Drop it, sounds like Stop it, etc. The language of the street works, don’t use it and you may get killed
.
But I do appreciate your constructive comment and will continue to try to keep it real from now on.
Thanks
Frankie Rembly
Hi Frankie, I hope this wasn’t based on a true story from your time on the job… Good, gritty stuff- I like it, keep it up.
thanks for your feedback
Your writing has a certain, frantic vitality to it, very appropriate for this type of story. Guess that’s because you probably put a lot of real life experience into the story. You should do more in the crime-suspense genre.
put my name into short-story me search for more
Thanks
Frankie