By Lisa M. Scuderi-Burkimsher
I remember crossing the street, a car coming toward me and my body freezing. On impact, I fly in midair. When I land, I hear a man’s voice ask me if I am okay, but my ribs ache and I can’t answer. Blood drips down the side of my face and my body is cold. It hurts to breathe.
“Someone please call 911! We need help over here! Stay with me, Miss. You’re going to be okay.”
His pleas don’t help much.
The last thing I see before I close my eyes is the EMTs running toward me with a stretcher.
Great descriptive writing
Simply superb!
Nice work, Lisa. I particularly like the juxtaposition (“body freezing. On impact,”) typically found in prose poetry. I like the improvement in your writing. Two little things, and they are in the last line: a verb form and perhaps something to add to the tension and make the story live off the page (I know this adds a word, but another could be trimmed or reworded if you want to keep the 101 in your revision). The original and suggested lines are shown below:
“The last thing I see before I close my eyes is the EMTs running toward me with a stretcher.”
“The last thing I see before I close my eyes are the EMTs running toward me with a stretcher and…”
John C. Mannone
Nice imagery and wonderful story-telling, Lisa. This one has great promise and could easily be the beginning of a longer story. Hint, hint!
I agree. It draws in the reader with beautiful language, a great beginning. The story is yet to be revealed.